Attention-Seeking or Connection-Seeking? A Trauma-Informed Perspective for Westchester Parents
- Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Why Parents in Westchester Are Asking This Question
As a Westchester-based EMDR therapist and generational trauma specialist, I hear this concern often:
“My child is always acting out just to get attention.”
But in reality, what looks like attention-seeking is almost always connection-seeking. When a child feels unseen, unheard, or invisible, their nervous system goes into overdrive. Acting out, interrupting, or demanding becomes the only way they know how to reach you.
This blog is designed to help parents and caregivers in Westchester County understand this behavior through a trauma-informed lens—and learn practical ways to respond that build emotional safety, connection, and long-term resilience.
What’s the Difference Between Attention-Seeking and Connection-Seeking?
Parents often wonder:
“Why does my child constantly demand attention?”
Here’s the distinction:
Attention is the outward act of noticing.
Connection is the deeper emotional experience of feeling seen, valued, and safe.
When children seem to be “seeking attention,” they’re really asking: “Do I matter? Am I safe? Do you see me?”
Why Do Children in Westchester Seek Connection Through Attention?
Children can’t control much about their environment. They can’t choose their schedules, teachers, or routines. What they can control is how they try to get their needs met.
If they feel disconnected, they may:
Interrupt constantly
Throw tantrums
Overreact to small disappointments
Act out at home or school
This isn’t manipulation - it’s communication. It’s their way of saying: “I feel disconnected, and I don’t know how to fix it on my own.”
Why Your Child’s Feelings Are Always Valid (Even if You Disagree)
Many parents tell me: “But I spend so much time with my child—they shouldn’t feel invisible.”
Here’s the key:
Their felt experience is their reality.
Dismissing or arguing with feelings (“You shouldn’t feel that way”) only deepens the disconnect.
Validating a feeling doesn’t mean agreeing—it means saying: “I hear you. What you feel matters.”
How Generational Trauma Impacts Connection Needs
As an EMDR therapist specializing in generational trauma, I often see how these patterns get passed down:
If caregivers grew up unseen, they may unintentionally minimize their own child’s emotions.
Trauma affects attunement—the ability to notice, name, and respond to a child’s emotional state.
Children in these environments may internalize beliefs like:
“I’m only noticed when I act out.”
“I don’t matter unless I’m loud.”
“My feelings are too much.”
Without intervention, these beliefs can carry forward into adolescence and adulthood.
What Happens When We Label Kids as ‘Attention-Seekers’?
When parents see behavior as “attention-seeking” instead of “connection-seeking”:
The child feels more unseen.
Shame builds around their natural need for closeness.
Emotional dysregulation escalates.
The cycle of acting out intensifies.
Ignoring or punishing doesn’t solve the issue—it deepens the wound.
How Should Westchester Parents Respond Instead?
“So how do I handle my child’s attention-seeking behavior?”
Here are strategies I teach in my Westchester practice (and use myself as a Mom)
1. Validate First, Teach Second
Say: “I see you’re upset. It feels like you don’t matter right now. That must be hard.”
Once they’re calm, guide them toward healthier expressions.
2. Name the Feeling
“It looks like you’re sad.”
“You seem frustrated.”
“That must feel disappointing.”
3. Create Small, Consistent Connection Rituals
Bedtime check-ins
Uninterrupted 10-minute play
Eye contact and hugs
Even brief moments, done consistently, make a huge difference.
4. Model Regulation
Show them how you handle emotions:
“I feel stressed, so I’m going to take a deep breath.”
5. Set Gentle, Safe Boundaries
Boundaries teach safety without dismissing emotions.
“I want to hear you, but yelling isn’t safe. Let’s use words instead.”
How EMDR Therapy Helps Children & Families in Westchester
Through EMDR therapy, children and parents can heal the underlying wounds that fuel disconnection.
Children can reprocess beliefs like “I am invisible” into “I am seen and worthy.”
Parents can work through their own generational trauma, so they can respond with attunement and compassion.
Families often notice calmer homes, improved relationships, and children who feel safer expressing emotions.
For more on how this works, visit our page on Children’s Therapy in Westchester
FAQs for Parents in Westchester
Why does my child act out for attention in Westchester?
Because they are seeking connection, not manipulation. Acting out is their way of saying, “I feel unseen.”
Will giving attention reward bad behavior?
Not if you validate feelings while teaching healthier ways to connect. Connection isn’t a “reward”—it’s a basic need.
What are signs my child feels disconnected?
Frequent tantrums, clinginess, irritability, or saying, “You don’t care about me.”
Do you take insurance for child therapy in Westchester?
I am a private pay therapist. Sessions are $350 each. Private pay allows for confidential, personalized care without the restrictions insurance companies place on therapy.
Why private pay instead of insurance?
Private pay ensures your child receives therapy that is flexible, tailored to their needs, and fully confidential. Parents who choose this often want the highest level of care without external limitations.
Final Thoughts: Attention vs. Connection
If you’re a parent in Westchester feeling overwhelmed by your child’s “attention-seeking,” remember this:
They are not misbehaving to manipulate you—they are reaching for connection.
By validating feelings, modeling regulation, and offering consistent moments of connection, you can meet their deeper need.
And if your own childhood wounds get in the way, support is available—for both you and your child.
Children deserve to feel seen. And when we respond with compassion, they learn that connection is safe, love is reliable, and their feelings truly matter.
Internal Resources
About Dana Carretta-Stein
Dana Carretta-Stein is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and founder of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling, PLLC, and Carretta Consulting in Scarsdale, NY.
She is a certified EMDR therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant and is an expert in trauma-informed care in Westchester, NY.
Dana is also a skilled business coach for wellness practitioners who are looking to build and grow their private practice.
Check out Dana's website to learn more about her and EMDR Therapy
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