Coming Out, Showing Up, and Staying Safe: Understanding Authenticity and the Nervous System
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The Hidden Cost of “Just Being Yourself”
“Just be yourself.”
It sounds simple but for many LGBTQIA+ professionals, being yourself can feel like a daily balancing act between authenticity and safety.
Every meeting, introduction, or team event brings a subtle internal scan: Is it safe to share this part of me? Will I still be respected?
This ongoing negotiation between authenticity and the nervous system is not about confidence, it's about survival. When your body senses potential threat, it shifts from connection to protection, often leading to masking hiding parts of yourself to stay safe.
That’s not a weakness. It’s a nervous system response, a form of survival that helped many of us navigate environments where visibility once felt risky.
As someone who spent over 25 years in the finance world before becoming a therapist, I understand the toll of showing up every day as “almost yourself.”
How Authenticity and the Nervous System Interact
Your nervous system’s main goal isn’t happiness or success, it's safety.
When you sense danger, physical, emotional, or social your body automatically activates one of its protective states:
Fight: Defend or argue to protect your truth.
Flight: Avoid or withdraw to prevent confrontation.
Freeze: Numb out or stay silent when the threat feels too big.
Fawn: Please, perform, or accommodate to maintain acceptance.
For LGBTQIA+ professionals, these reactions can become chronic. Even in supportive environments, the nervous system may interpret subtle cues, a tone, a look, a pause as unsafe.
Over time, this dysregulation leads to exhaustion, anxiety, and disconnection. The body remains vigilant, always waiting for the next moment it might need to shrink or hide.
That’s the nervous system’s version of burnout, a state of perpetual self-protection.
How Identity and Perfectionism Feed the Cycle
Many LGBTQIA+ professionals grow up learning that safety comes through adaptation — reading the room, performing confidence, or excelling to prove worth. Over time, this can evolve into perfectionism: a survival strategy disguised as ambition.
You might overprepare, overwork, or overanalyze every interaction — not because you’re striving for excellence, but because imperfection feels dangerous.
This cycle is exhausting. It reinforces the belief that value must constantly be earned, and that the moment you stop performing, acceptance might disappear.
The nervous system interprets this as a threat, keeping you in a constant state of hypervigilance — scanning for mistakes, rejection, or disapproval.
Perfectionism may look like control, but underneath it’s fear: Will I still be safe if I’m not perfect?
The Emotional and Physical Toll of Masking
Masking at work might look like small adjustments avoiding pronouns, laughing off jokes, minimizing personal stories but over time, these micro-suppressions add up.
They send a signal to your nervous system: It’s not safe to be me here.
The cost of this disconnect can look like:
Emotional fatigue from constant self-monitoring.
Anxiety or muscle tension from chronic hypervigilance.
Reduced creativity or focus as your energy goes toward staying safe.
Burnout from the effort of managing identity and performance.
When we talk about authenticity and the nervous system, we’re talking about biology the way safety, visibility, and belonging physically shape our mental health.
The Safety–Connection Dilemma
One of the most powerful frameworks in trauma-informed care is recognizing that every human being has two core needs: safety and connection.
For LGBTQIA+ individuals, those needs can sometimes feel in conflict.
Prioritizing safety might mean hiding parts of who you are.
Prioritizing connection might mean risking rejection or misunderstanding.
This push-and-pull creates what therapists call protective adaptation: your nervous system toggling between defense and openness.
The goal of healing isn’t to choose between them, but to learn how to feel safe enough to connect. That’s where authenticity becomes possible — not through pressure, but through regulation.
How to Reconnect Safety and Authenticity
Building a relationship between authenticity and the nervous system is a gradual process. It’s not about forcing yourself to “be more open” it’s about helping your body feel safe enough to show up naturally.
Here are trauma-informed ways to start:
1. Start Small and Listen to Your Body
Notice moments where you feel slightly more relaxed or genuine. That’s your nervous system signaling safety. Authenticity grows from those micro-moments, not from grand gestures.
2. Regulate Before You Reveal
Before sharing something personal or vulnerable, take a few slow breaths. Feel your feet grounded on the floor. When your body is regulated, connection feels safer and more sustainable.
3. Create Safe Containers for Authenticity
Find spaces supportive coworkers, LGBTQIA+ groups, affirming therapy where you can express yourself freely. Repetition of safe experiences retrains your nervous system to associate authenticity with calm, not fear.
4. Honor Your Protective Parts
Masking was never a failure; it was your body’s wisdom. Gratitude for what once kept you safe helps reduce shame and makes space for new choices.
5. Seek Professional Support
Therapies like CBT and EMDR can help reprocess past experiences that taught your body to equate authenticity with danger. This helps you rebuild trust in your safety and voice.
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The Freedom of Feeling Safe to Be You
Authenticity isn’t about full transparency or dramatic self-disclosure. It’s about aligning the ability to live and work in ways that feel congruent with who you are.
When your nervous system learns that it’s safe to be yourself, you stop performing and start existing.
You show up not as the version you think people will accept, but as the version you finally trust.
Meet our Scarsdale Therapist "Frank"
Hi, I’m Frank Sarrapochiello, a bilingual (English, Spanish, and Italian) Mental Health Counseling Intern in Scarsdale, NY.
I help adults, especially LGBTQIA+ professionals and high-achieving individuals navigate anxiety, burnout, identity stress, and trauma through a warm, trauma-informed, and collaborative approach.
Before becoming a therapist, I spent over 25 years in the finance industry, where I experienced firsthand how authenticity and the nervous system intersect and how the cost of masking can quietly erode confidence and well-being.
As a 9/11 survivor, I understand both the fragility and strength of the human nervous system. I use CBT and EMDR therapy to help clients regulate, reconnect, and restore the sense of safety that makes authenticity possible.
Supervised by Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC
Work With Frank
Working with me means you’ll receive personalized, trauma-informed support — and the guidance of not just one therapist, but two.
It’s like having two therapists for the price of one — at a lower session cost — while still receiving the same quality of care, compassion, and clinical supervision that Peaceful Living is known for.
If you’ve been feeling burned out, overwhelmed, or disconnected from yourself, this is a safe and affordable place to begin your healing journey.
About Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling
At Peaceful Living, we believe that healing begins with safety, connection, and authenticity.
Our trauma-informed, LGBTQIA+-affirming therapists provide evidence-based care for individuals, couples, and families navigating anxiety, identity, and life transitions.
We help clients understand authenticity and the nervous system, regulate chronic stress, and build resilience so they can show up fully without fear.
If you’re ready to move from surviving to thriving, our team is here to support you every step of the way.
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