Healing From Emotional Abuse and Neglect

Is childhood a painful memory for you? Or can you not remember all that much from your younger years? Difficulties with attachment can be at the core of what brings an individual into therapy the first time. Usually, these struggles show up as depression, anxiety, panic attacks, poor self image, attempting to understand why he/she is having difficulties in their current or past relationships, or difficulties with parenting their own child. After further discussion, the core issue usually reverts back to a damaged relationship with an important figure, typically a parent or close relative.

It is sometimes hard for us to realize as adults, but the earliest relationships we have as a child are the foundation of our attachment. According to psychologist Mary Ainsworth, attachment is defined “as an affectional tie that one person or animal forms between himself and another specific one – a tie that binds them together in space and endures over time.”

But what if that tie is damaged? What if those earliest relationships did not foster security, love, independence, and validation? If that is the case, then one might develop difficulties later on in life. Children, too, suffer from attachment difficulties; however, once we enter adulthood, these patterns have already become deeply ingrained in us.

If someone grows up in an emotionally unavailable environment, they do not develop a sense of security that will enable them to feel comfortable with their partner. It is only when we can go back in time and revisit those painful interactions, then we can truly grieve what was. We have to grieve the parent we did not have and grieve the child we did not get to be. By grieving, we validate our experiences and our own feelings, thus setting the stage for healthy, positive change.

Grief can be challenging work. Here’s what you can expect:

Denial

As children, we denied our feelings toward our parent(s). This was an act of survival intended to help us continue to grow into adolescence and adulthood. A child does not want to believe that their parent cannot be there for them. Denial preserves the child’s mental state so that he/she can continue to develop into the next phases of life.

Anger

We experience intense anger and sometimes rages when we realize that our emotional needs were not met. We are angry at mom, or dad, or whomever we experienced the invalidation from. We are also angry at ourselves for denying our true feelings, even though it was an act of survival and strength.

Bargaining

We hope and pray that our parent(s) can still change. We want to believe that they are and were capable of being there for us. We obsess over thoughts of “What if….” What if my parent can change? What if they can act differently? Once we are into adulthood, we continue to attempt interactions with that parent, hoping that this time, he/she will meet our expectations.

Depression

Once we realize we have not and will not have the parent(s) we hoped for, we are overcome with sadness. It is a hard realization to acknowledge that the type of mother or father you wanted does not exist for you. We have to let go of the idea of the parent we did not have, let go of expectation and deal with the loss.

Acceptance

This is the most crucial step toward healing. In order to heal from our trauma of emotional abandonment, we have to understand that our parent(s) has limited empathy and love to give. To continue to expect them to be someone that they are not is an exercise in futility.

More likely than not, our parent experienced their own form of emotional invalidation. This is how the pattern continues. Understanding this can help to truly grasp that our parent(s) is incapable of giving the type of love and validation we long for. Then we can let go and move on. This will result in decreased bouts of anxiety and depression and help us set boundaries with our parent(s). This acceptance will then allow us to work on our current relationships for what they are and stop the patterns that emotional abandonment can cause.

EMDR, among other therapies, can be one of the very effective ways to overcome the effects of emotional trauma.  To find out more on improving your relationships and uncovering pain from your past, contact us to schedule an appointment.

About the Author

Dana Carretta-Stein is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and founder of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling, PLLC, in Scarsdale, NY.   She specializes in clinical psychotherapy to treat children, adolescents and adults with anxiety, behavior and trauma difficulties.

About Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling

Peaceful Living MHC Waiting Area

Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling offers therapy for children, teens, and adults.

We provide in-person sessions in Scarsdale and Westchester, NY, and virtual therapy across NY, NJ, CT, and FL.

Our work focuses on helping you understand your experiences with compassion, not judgment.

We support clients navigating:

• Grief and loss

• Trauma and PTSD

• Anxiety and stress

• Life transitions

• Emotional regulation

Go Deeper in Your Healing Journey

• 🛒 Explore Recommended Therapy Tools

• 🎁 Learn More About The EMDR Therapy Progress Journal

• 📚 Check out our blogs, where our therapists break down EMDR concepts, trauma education, and practical healing strategies you can start today.

Our Trauma-Informed Therapists at Peaceful Living

At Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling, our therapists are trained in trauma-informed approaches, including EMDR therapy.

We work with children, teens, and adults who are navigating anxiety, trauma, life transitions, and emotional overwhelm.

Our approach centers on understanding your story, your nervous system, and what you need to feel supported.

A Simple Way to Track Your Healing Between Sessions

Healing does not only happen in the therapy room. Often, the shifts you are making show up in small, everyday moments that are easy to overlook.

The EMDR Therapy Progress Journal is designed to help you gently track those changes. It gives you space to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and patterns in a way that feels structured but not overwhelming.

Many clients find that writing things down helps them:

• Notice progress they might otherwise miss

• Stay connected to what they are working on in therapy

• Better understand their triggers, responses, and growth over time

This is not about doing therapy “perfectly.” It is about creating a space to stay curious about your experience and support your healing at your own pace.

If you are looking for a simple way to stay grounded between sessions, this can be a helpful addition to your therapy work.

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