3 Ways to Break the People - Pleasing Trap

People-pleasing is often framed as a simple lack of boundaries or self-confidence. However, from a trauma-informed perspective, it is a deeply ingrained survival strategy. Many individuals who struggle to say no—despite intellectually knowing they have the right to do so—find themselves automatically prioritizing others, even when it is inconvenient or harmful to their own well-being. Why does this happen? The answer lies in how our nervous system adapts to early experiences of relational stress and trauma.

The Nervous System and People-Pleasing

When we grow up in environments where love, safety, or stability feel conditional, our nervous system learns to prioritize connection over self-preservation. This is especially true for individuals who experienced emotional neglect, inconsistent caregivers, or outright trauma. In such cases, the brain and body adapt by developing fawning behaviors—an often-overlooked trauma response alongside fight, flight, and freeze.

The fawn response is a survival mechanism where we appease others to avoid conflict, rejection, or harm. This response is not a conscious choice but a deeply rooted, automatic reaction. When faced with a request or demand, our nervous system may interpret saying no as a threat, triggering a response that overrides logic. This is why, even though we may know we have the right to set boundaries, our bodies react in real time by prioritizing someone else’s needs over our own.

Breaking the Cycle: Three Trauma-Informed Strategies

Overcoming people-pleasing requires more than just deciding to set boundaries—it involves retraining the nervous system and cultivating self-compassion. Here are three trauma-informed ways to start shifting this pattern:

1. Practice Somatic Awareness

People-pleasing is a bodily response as much as a psychological one. Before automatically saying yes, take a moment to check in with your body. Notice any tension, racing heart, or shallow breathing. These are signs that your nervous system is reacting from a place of survival rather than conscious choice. Practicing grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or placing a hand over your heart, can help you regulate your response before answering.

2. Develop Micro-Boundaries

If setting firm boundaries feels overwhelming, start with small, manageable ones. Instead of immediately agreeing to a request, practice saying, "Let me think about that and get back to you." This creates space between stimulus and response, allowing your nervous system time to settle before making a decision.

3. Rewire Your Internal Narrative

Many people-pleasers carry a subconscious belief that their worth is tied to being needed or liked. Begin shifting this by affirming new beliefs, such as "My needs are just as important as others'" or "I am safe even if someone is disappointed in me." Journaling, therapy, and mindfulness practices can help reinforce this new internal dialogue.

People-pleasing is not a character flaw—it is a survival strategy that once served a purpose. The key to breaking free is not just intellectual understanding but nervous system retraining and self-compassion. By bringing awareness to your automatic responses, practicing small boundary-setting steps, and rewiring old narratives, you can begin to reclaim your ability to choose yourself without guilt or fear.

About our Scarsdale Sports Therapist Sean O'Connor

Sean O'Connor is a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) and child therapist at Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling in Scarsdale, NY.

Sean specializes in sports psychology and trauma informed counseling to helps kids, adults and athletes overcome anger, depression, anxiety, PTSD and stress.

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Sean loves working with kids, teens and athletes to help them feel seen and understood and teach them invaluable coping skills.