.png)
Why do I feel guilty after setting a healthy boundary?
Updated: Oct 12
In short: Feeling guilty after setting a healthy boundary is common, especially if you grew up learning that your needs came last. The guilt usually signals that you are doing something unfamiliar, not something wrong. Naming the feeling, checking it against the facts, and practicing small boundaries helps the guilt ease over time. (Updated October 2026)
Congratulations! If you’re reading this you have probably started working on setting healthy boundaries in your life. You’re probably also reading this because this new journey to developing healthier relationships has been leaving you with an impending sense of guilt. I see you, and I hear you, and I am here to remind you that it is all part of the process.
But why do I feel so guilty?!:
1. You’re going against what comes naturally to you.
Let me guess, you may have always been that person to work an extra shift on your day off because your boss needs an extra hand (even though you haven’t had a day off in 6 days). You may be that person that instead of sleeping in on your day off agrees to drive your friend to the airport at 4AM (even though you haven’t had a good nights sleep in 5 days). Don’t get me wrong, being a helpful employee and a supportive friend are all great qualities. It is when these behaviors take away from your self-care needs and your values that boundaries are necessary. Just because you say no to your bosses request to come in doesn’t mean you’re a bad employee-you deserve to prioritize time for you and your family. Just because you say no to driving your friend to the airport doesn’t mean you’re not a supportive friend-you may just need sleep and without it-it would be unsafe to drive.
2. You learned that not helping others = selfishness.
If our early experiences with setting healthy boundaries was received with dismissal or unacceptance we may have ‘learned’ that boundaries are selfish. For example: You start at a new job and your boss tells you to come in on Sunday-but Sunday’s are your dedicated day to spend with family. Instead of your boss respecting this obligation and need for connection with family he responds with: “But we really need you and it would help the team if you could come in for a few hours- you see your family every Sunday, what’s one week, right?”. Instead of seeing your family time as your right and priority, you are taught to see it as a selfish act. Just because others use the power of manipulation to convince you otherwise - boundaries are not about being selfish.
So we’ve addressed that the guilt is there- in whatever way it personally presents itself to you…
How do you deal with it?
1. Name it to tame it:
Feelings are feelings, not facts. Guilt is one of those ‘big’ emotions. Sometimes when we are rushed with intense emotions it can be hard to slow down and instead we become reactive. With maintaining boundaries this ‘reactivity’ can show up and dismantle our boundary right in front of our eyes. Through naming our emotion, for example: “I feel guilty…I feel guilty because she looks sad/disappointed” we can take a step back and choose how we react. Instead of reacting from the feeling of the emotion we can invite our cognitive brains into the mix and challenge the truth behind/fueling those feelings.
2. Challenge the thought/feeling:
Maybe you’ve said “no” and have been received with anger, a sad face, or a disappointed tone. This challenges our boundaries because these reactions make us think, “Well, if I did her the favor of taking her to the airport she wouldn’t look so sad…” You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. Just because someone is disappointed in your boundary- does not mean that your boundary isn’t necessary. You are allowed to take care of you before taking care of others. 3. Reflect on the purpose:
Again, boundaries aren’t intended to be selfish. The purpose of boundaries is to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually. If we are not taking care of ourselves this can lead to burn-out which will make it even harder for you to be there for others. You are not saying no to driving your friend to the airport because you ‘just don’t feel like it’; you are saying no to driving your friend to the airport because you have had limited sleep. Realistically it would be unsafe for you to drive without appropriate sleep. In setting and maintaining the boundary you are not only helping yourself, but you are also helping others.
So understanding and practicing healthy boundaries will set the tone for those around you to give them an appropriate, respectful way of treating you. It's ok to say no or I am not able at this time. YOU matter...
What Guilt After Setting a Healthy Boundary Is Really Telling You
Guilt is meant to alert us when we have hurt someone. After a boundary, though, it often fires because your nervous system expects rejection or conflict, based on what happened in the past. The feeling is real, but it is not proof that you did something wrong.
Guilt After a Healthy Boundary vs. Real Wrongdoing
Did I harm someone, or did I disappoint them?
Was I honest and respectful, even if they did not like my answer?
Would I judge a friend for setting this same boundary?
Is this guilt about now, or does it feel familiar from long ago?
Scripts for Holding a Boundary
"I can't take that on this week."
"I'm not available to talk about this right now. Can we revisit it tomorrow?"
"I understand you're disappointed. My answer is still no."
"I care about you, and I also need to take care of myself."
When Guilt Keeps Getting in the Way
If guilt is so strong that you keep dropping your boundaries, therapy can help you understand where the pattern started. EMDR and IFS can help process the experiences that taught you your needs were a burden, so boundaries start to feel safer.
Frequently Asked Questions About Boundary Guilt
Why do I feel guilty saying no?
Many people learned early that saying no led to anger, withdrawal, or disappointment. Your body remembers that, so saying no now can trigger guilt even when it is the right choice.
How long does guilt after setting boundaries last?
It usually softens with practice. The more often you set boundaries and see that relationships survive, the less intense the guilt becomes.
Is it selfish to set boundaries?
No. Boundaries protect your well-being and make it possible to show up for others in a sustainable way.
What if someone gets angry about my boundary?
Their reaction is information, not a verdict. You can stay kind and calm while still holding your boundary.
Related reading: 4 tips for setting healthy boundaries · Setting boundaries with parents as an adult child · How to break free from codependency
Annabella Lipson is a Mental Health Counselor at Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling in Scarsdale, NY.
She enjoys working with teens & adults who are dealing with stress, anxiety, college transitions, and other behavioral challenges.
Annabella incorporates a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), EMDR Therapy and Mindfulness practices with her clients.
Make your appointment today and begin on your healing path...
Comments